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Top 10 Signs Your Book Isn’t Going To Get Published

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

10. You can’t understand why the publisher won’t even consider a German translation deal for your autobiography titled My Struggle.

9. A quick textual analysts reveals that the most frequently used words in your Crimean War historical novel are “And,” “The,” “Of” and “Testicular.”

8. You lose a lucrative contract to write a celebrity’s autobiography after you mishear the request and show up outside the celebrity’s home riding a motorcycle and wearing a flaming skeleton costume.

7. Your novel’s dedication page reads: “To The Google Translate, For Is Making Me Happy Word Party.”

6. You spend three years writing a novel titled Ouch, Leave Me Alone, a re-imagination of The Old Man and the Sea from the marlin’s point of view.

5. You demand your audiobook be recorded by T-Pain.

4. Vorbone Thurstballer and Shanquia D’Xobo are not realistic names for characters in a Victorian-era romance novel.

3. Your plan to write a novelization of that movie about the gay cowboys runs into a a pretty major  obstacle.

2. A single 600-page monologue by a character who just happens to have memorized the entirety of The Da Vinci Code doesn’t turn out to be the cunning legal loophole you thought it would be.

1. Your one-sentence pitch to book agents is “Think Harry Potter meets 120 Days Of Sodom.”

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An Authoritative List of Failed Exercise Programs

Thursday, August 25, 2011
  • The Ass Blaster
  • The Thigh Obliterator
  • The Norwegian Fecal Torrent
  • Eyelid Pilates
  • Wankercise
  • Beach Body Boot Camp With Live Ammo
  • Burn Away The Fat, Literally
  • Angry Ex-Marine Beats You Into A Fitness Coma
  • SpokenWordercize
  • Speed Sneezing
  • Xtreme Cardio Seizure
  • Ingest This Worm And Let It Grow Inside You…ercise
  • Al Qaeda Abs
  • Clitoral Burpees
  • Slap Your Belly And Cry
  • Prenatal Judo
  • Ready, Set, Sit!
  • Full-Contact Yoga
  • Unbearably Hot Yoga
  • Yoga On Top Of A Moving Car
  • Aerobic Bloodletting
  • The Reverse Ass Blaster
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A Letter to the 18-Year-Old Me

Monday, August 22, 2011

Dear 18-Year-Old Me,

I know life might seem overwhelming right now, but take it from me – your older, wiser self – everything is going to be just fine. Still, there are a lot of things I wish I knew when I was your age. So I want you to listen carefully, because these are the life lessons that will help you make that leap from boy to man:

First off, have sex with as many girls as possible. Only really pretty ones. Lie to them and tell them you’re a surgeon or something. It doesn’t matter, what the hell do 18-year-old girls know about medicine anyway? Just babble something about 50 CCs of amphederine and needing those radial mamoscans stat. That should do it.

On a related note, never use condoms. It always feels like you’re letting an anorexic jellyfish ride shotgun on your junk. Nobody wants that. This guy I met at a bar in Cabo said the girl can’t get pregnant if you hold your breath when you ejaculate. That sounds like it’d probably work. Try that.

Take advantage of your body while you’re still young and invincible. Go all out. Melt down entire sticks of butter and inject that stuff directly into your throat; rub crystal meth on your retinas. One day you’re going to get into a social situation where you’ll have to take a bunch of rat-poison suppositories, and if you don’t already know how to do it, you’re going to look like an idiot.

Your car looks like shit. Drop out of school and use the tuition money to buy a big-boy muffler. I’m talking about the kind of industrial-strength hardware that makes it sound like a grizzly bear’s reaching orgasm every time your foot brushes against the accelerator.

I’ve always wanted a tattoo. Get a tattoo. Something classy, like a spiral of Calvins pissing on each other, or Osama Bin Laden’s head on the Twitter Fail Whale’s body. It won’t hurt, don’t be a pussy.

Get in shape. I don’t care if you have to do sit-ups until you lose all control of your sphincter. I want to be able to take my shirt off at the beach without people asking if I ate high tide.

Turns out that girl Stacy gets mad when you dump her via the Yankee Stadium Jumbotron, and she ends up telling everyone about that thing you like to have done to you. Don’t start dating her, or at least don’t tell her your real name.

The moustache works, man. The moustache works.

There was something else I was supposed to warn you about, something the doctor said about one of the hepatitises, but I forget which. Anyway, the rest of this list should be enough to carry you through any uncertainty. Remember to follow each piece of advice fully, because one day you’re going to become me, and I don’t want me to turn out to be an asshole.

 

Sincerely,

19-year-old you

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An Authoritative List Of Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Sex

Wednesday, August 17, 2011
  • What’s this thing?
  • Who are you?
  • Why is there a camera strapped to that goat?
  • Put on this dog mask
  • Put on this human mask
  • I’ve got to be honest, this isn’t really my ice-cream van
  • The safe word is “hexobromobenzoate”
  • I can’t come unless you whistle the theme from Hawaii Five-O
  • I can’t come unless you talk dirty in a Yoda voice
  • Correction: it’s not an orifice yet
  • Achievement unlocked!
  • Well, you shoulf half specified exacfly where fou wanted me to put on the condom
  • Your kingdom grows numerous, Lord Satan!
  • No, I meant I had crabs for dinner earlier. But yeah, also the other kind
  • Sorry, I don’t have any hexobromobenzoate on me
  • Now you’re a choir man

 

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The Worst-Selling Video Games Of All Time

Friday, August 5, 2011
  • SimDiabetes
  • Italian State Television Presents: I Make My Love On Your Angel Face, An Erotic Interactive Adventure
  • Grand Mal Seizure Grand Mal Seizure Revolution
  • Nazi Mongoose
  • CSI: Uninhabited Moon Base
  • Grand Theft Wheelchair
  • Papercut!
  • Nazi Mongoose 2: Return To Paedophile Mountain
  • Spice Girls Reunion Tour Manager’s Belgrade Hotel Room Semi-Consensual Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Mishap Cover-Up … Adventure
  • Luigi Impossible Dance Nightmare 6 (In North America: Super Mario Galaxy 2)
  • Botched Abortion Time At The Puppy Burn Ward: A Nazi Mongoose Adventure
  • Alien Vs. Predator Vs. Boyz II Men
  • Mentally Unstable Ninja And The Secret Of The Feces That’s Been Smeared Everywhere
  • Nazi Mongoose For Microsoft Kinect

 

 

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CLASSIFIED – FOR INTERNAL STUDIO USE ONLY

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Big-budget blockbuster green-light list
Summers 2012-2014

Note: The following titles have been approved for production by senior studio executives and constitute high profit potential projects. Marketing and related budgets should be arranged accordingly.

 

Title: Fast and the Furious – Sixth Gear 
Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, various uncredited mufflers
Tagline: “Bro, cars. C’mon bro, cars.”

Synopsis: The franchise that introduced moviegoers to the dangerous, sexy world of underground racing is back for one more lap. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker reprise their roles from the previous films, but with a twist. This time, the two men must pull off their must difficult heist ever: driving into London’s Big Ben tower and stealing the crown jewels. Fans will know they’re in for a wild ride when the duo land in London and find out everybody drives on the left side of the road, at which point Mr. Diesel turns to Mr. Walker and utters the movie’s iconic line: “Bro, I think things just took a wrong turn.”

Audiences can expect all the hallmarks of the previous Fast and the Furious movies, including wild car chases, scantly dressed women leaning over the hoods of things, and Mr. Diesel’s lungs slowly collapsing under the pressure of his corset-like muscle shirt. Comedic relief comes courtesy of scenes such as a point mid-movie when Mr. Walker can’t find a getaway car, and must instead escape on a penny farthing while being chased by British police to the tune of the Benny Hill theme song.

Additional notes: In test screenings, fans of the previous movies generally responded poorly to the gay sex scene.

 

Title: Transformers – Corpuscle of the Midnight Offend
Starring: N/A
Tagline: “Transformers Gonna Transform.”

Synopsis: In the latest instalment of the box-office-busting franchise, director Michael Bay pushes the envelope in ways no other movie-maker ever thought possible or necessary. Largely the product of a random number generator and Google Translate, the latest Transformers script takes the story to strange, strange new places. The year is 2026, and the Deceptacons have taken over [LOCATION FORTHCOMING] and terrorized the local populace into [ACTION FORTHCOMING] for the purposes of harvesting [ANIMAL ORGAN FORTHCOMING]. Only the Autobots, armed with the power of Monzango’s Crystal (See rejected script: “Transformers – Revenge of Monzango’s Crystal”), can save [LOCATION FORTHCOMING] and its residents, which include a future President, as told through various flash-forwards throughout the movie.

Additional Info: Significant cost savings were achieved through the hiring of no human actors. Instead, Mr. Bay plans to reallocate those funds to the exclusive Transformers “4D” experience, wherein dozens of theatre employees will stand at various locations in the cinema and pepper the audience with nuts and bolts every time a Transformer is injured on screen.

 

Title: Beating Bin Laden
Starring: Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez
Tagline: “The one thing he couldn’t terrorize was their love.”

Synopsis: In this animated gem, Disney tells the the story of Osama Bin Laden’s elimination at the hands of U.S. special forces troops as only Disney can. Justin Bieber voices the part of Sgt. John Steele, a brave young Delta Forces soldier who must confront his deepest fears when he is ordered to hunt down and stop Bin Laden (note: in accordance with Disney policy, Bin Laden is not killed in the movie, but instead, through a series of delightful hijinks, ends up locked in the mokney cages in the Islamabad zoo, or something). Selena Gomez voices the role of Mariam, a brave young Pakistani woman who risks everything to help Sgt. Steele find Bin Laden. But what Mariam and Sgt. Steele really find, against all odds, is love (note: in a cost-saving measure, the character of Mariam will be composed entirely of re-used animations of Princess Jasmine from Aladdin).

As requested by Disney’s marketing department, the part of Bin Laden will be voiced by Larry the Cable Guy.

The animated movie features a star-studded soundtrack, including the brand new Taylor Swift song, “Blow Up My Heart.”

Additional info: American embassies throughout the Muslim world have already been informed of the movie’s planned release date.

 

Title: Mr. Magoo 3D
Starring: Jack Nicholson, Rihanna
Tagline: “See what he’s been missing!”

Synopsis: A beloved children’s cartoon gets the 3D makeover in this new live-action take on Mr. Magoo’s classic adventures. Jack Nicholson plays the title character, who accidentally wanders onto a dangerous skyscraper construction site. In an innovative twist, the movie is shot from Mr. Magoo’s point of view. For 90 minutes, audiences are treated to a first-person view of extremely blurry, poorly rendered shapes. As one critic raved, it feels as though the vague objects that are supposed to be construction beams and wrecking balls are coming right at you. Anyone who has ever wondered what it’s like to be a legally blind senior citizen in a construction yard need “look” no further!

Additional info: After a slight change to the audience measurement process that reclassified projectile vomiting as a positive reaction, test audience response was found to be generally positive.

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Memo

Monday, July 18, 2011

From: Mahmoud El Libi, Chief Financial Office, Al Qaeda Enterprises Ltd.
To: All Staff, All Branches

Subject: Financial Update

Dear Brothers in Jihad,

Greetings from your CFO. As many of you know, these past few quarters have been very difficult for our organization. The waning popularity of some of our core products and services, coupled with a difficult global economic situation and an unexpected transition within our senior management team have all taken a heavy toll on our bottom line.

You can rest assured that many of these setbacks are only temporary, and that terrorism is, by its nature, somewhat cyclical. As our previous CEO was fond of saying: sometimes you’re the unsuspecting villager, and sometimes you’re the Soviet landmine. It sounded better when he said it.

Nonetheless, basic financial prudence dictates that we undertake a round of belt-tightening to ensure our continued survival during this challenging period. Below, I shall outline some of the difficult decisions we have been forced to make.

Beginning immediately, we are cutting the explosives budget by 75 per cent. The components of improvised explosive devices have recently skyrocketed in price, and we must now be creative in recreating the effects of our most powerful weapon against the infidels, without the criminal price tag. In the next few days, you will receive an e-mail from brother Abdul “Brooms For Limbs” Mukhtar, VP of explosives research, regarding some very interesting things our R&D department has been doing with Diet Coke and Mentos.

(It goes without saying, of course, that security protocol dictates that, once you are done reading any organization e-mail, you delete it from your computer and then eat the hard drive. For more information, please see last week’s e-mail, titled “Read it, Delete it, Eat it.”)

Additionally, we will be making significant cuts in our discretionary budget. All pending suicide hijackers are prohibited from ordering any in-flight meals (that’s where they get you). Operatives are also required to hand in their company iPhones, as we try to rein in our frankly unacceptable apps budget. Brothers, the only good Angry Bird is one weighed down with Diet Coke and Mentos, flying in the general direction of an American tank.

In the coming weeks, we will be renting out or selling many of our real estate assets, including the Somali guesthouse, the CEO mansion in Pakistan, and the brightly lit, glass-walled duplex in Langley, Virgina (which, to be honest, was not a wise investment to begin with). If you know anyone who may be interested in these properties, please direct them to our ad in Severely Mortar Damaged Home And Garden magazine.

Lastly, we are also cutting the therapeutic massage subsidy in the group benefits plan, following brother Malouf’s sinful accident last month. For once, we agree with the infidels when they say there are no happy endings in terrorism.

Brothers, I know times may seem tough, but I assure you our organization will come out of this even stronger than before. To be perfectly frank, we have made some unwise decisions in the past (forgetting to strip the location data from those hostage photos was an unforgivable oversight). Still, we are the preeminent brand in our industry, and we have the best people. As our previous CEO was fond of saying, a cube van full of manure is more than the sum of its parts. Again, it sounded better when he said it.

Yours in Jihad,
Brother Mahmoud

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The Worst 2012 NBA Draft Prospects

Monday, July 11, 2011

Name: “Sensual” Julio Andreas
Height: 7′ 2”
School: The Dos Equis Academy Of Lie-Back-And-Relax-Yes-Very-Good

Synopsis: Julio’s reputation as a player on and off the court makes him one of the true gems of the 2012 draft. “I don’t know if he was ever any good at basketball,” says a former coach, “because he’d always ask us to turn the stadium lights down and play by candlelight, which I never considered a prudent thing to do. What I can tell you is he got everybody at that school pregnant. Seriously, everybody.” Known for controlling the paint as well as he controls his frequent herpes outbreaks, Julio holds the conference record for minutes played, points scored and mascots traumatized.

Signature Move: The “backcourt violation.”

Weakness: Literally dozens of pending sexual harassment complaints.

 

Name: Timmy “The Racist” McMahon
Height: 6′ 1”
School: Strom Thurmond School of Non-Liberal Arts

Synopsis: With a cross-over as extreme as his views on segregation, Timmy has long been one of the brightest young stars of the Aryan Collegiate League. Last season, he famously torched the Jim Crow College Fightin’ Separate But Equals for 38 points and 18 boards, and then later torched some other things. For his part, Timmy is excited about the opportunity to play in what he still stubbornly believes is called the No Blacks Association, stating in a recent interview, “They call me the bus driver because I take opposing players to school. Also, I make some of them sit in the back.”

Signature Move: The “Kenyan Birth Certificate.”

Weakness: Can’t play man defence. Functionally illiterate.

 

Name: “Jittery” James Fontaine
Height: 6′ 4”
School: Bogota A&M

Synopsis: When he’s not fighting off demonic apparitions or selling plasma for methadone money, JJ is known for his smooth game on the hardwood. Although teammates sometimes bristle at his peculiarities, such as his demand that the school’s fight song be replaced with a full reading of Naked Lunch, or the one time he “accidentally” redirected the team bus to a safe-house in Juarez, there is no denying JJ’s natural athletic ability. “At only 94 pounds, there’s not an ounce of fat on him,” says a former teammate, “or a working vein.”

Signature Move: The “Shake and Bake and Inject.”

Weakness: Borrows money all the time but rarely pays it back.

 

Name: Stumpy LaRoo
Height: 2′ 9”
School: Ringling University

Synopsis: This young player hasn’t let a serious genetic defect get in the way of his hardwood aspirations. What Stumpy lacks in a lower body, he makes up for in hustle and, assuming an amendment to league rules is approved, a titanium leg-shaped exoskeleton. The diminutive shuffling-guard’s late-game heroics have become the stuff of legend in the world of unlicensed carnie collegiate basketball. As one former coach put it, “Stumpy is the Michael Jordan of being mistaken by other players for the ball.”

Signature Move: The “Agitate For League Acceptance Of Titanium Exoskeletons.”

Weakness: No hops.

 

Name: Prince Amadoujou Wabaka
Height: 6′ 3”
School: The Nigerian Royal Academy

Synopsis: Although no U.S. scouts have actually seen Prince Amadoujou’s game, the youngest son of Nigeria’s recently deposed finance minister comes highly recommended. According to a number of e-mails from the Lagos Athletic Authority, Prince Amadoujou is an elite-level power-forward whose eligibility for the draft is hindered by a small financial difficulty that requires a $4000 payment to resolve, with the payer eligible to receive a $50,000 tax-free payment upon unfreezing of funds.

Signature Move: The “Serious Business Opportunity”

Weakness: Frequent Grand Mal seizures, actually, which is a bit of a surprise.

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CAREER OPPORTUNITY

Friday, July 8, 2011


 

Company: Sony Corporation of America
Job Title: Senior Security Officer
Opening Available: Immediately

Job Description: The Senior Security Officer is primarily responsible for all security and data safekeeping operations at Sony Corporation, ranging from PlayStation Network user account information to the 4-digit numerical code needed to enter the company’s San Jose Research And Development facility (4321). Working eight days a month out of the Juno field office, the Senior Security Officer is also the first and last line of defence against illicit attempts by malicious third-parties to obtain confidential Sony data, and as such must adhere to the company’s strict medium-tolerance policy on such hacking attempts.

Qualifications: The successful applicant is a sharp-eyed multi-tasker, able to recognize signs of a security breach within, at most, six months. The successful applicant will also be easygoing and able to quickly adapt to unforeseen situations, such as e.g. misplaced servers, embarrassing public disclosure of the company-wide policy of using “Sony1” for all internal passwords, the sudden and inexplicable disappearance of millions of user accounts, or the overnight replacement of said accounts with images of crudely-drawn horse genitalia. Personal hygiene and any computer-related knowledge whatsoever a plus.

Compensation: Commensurate with qualifications and experience, although mostly in the form of free Gran Turismo add-ons (Asian vehicles only).

Interviews/Testing: Applicants must submit to a professional competence exam. Applicants must provide a photograph of their own buttocks for the exam; Sony Corporation will provide a photograph of a hole in the ground.

Additional information: The successful applicant must provide their own modem (28.8 Kilobaud minimum).

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